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My Friend PTSD

Me and my friend PTSD 

Some say keep your friends close and your enemies closer 

Well I kept PTSD close 

An enemy of mine 

He was really as close as he could have been 

He was inside me 

He was me……for a very long time 

Even to this day 

He raises his head from time to time 

But when he lived inside he, he was evil, he was bad

He told me who I was, how I felt and if I was sad

I slowly, over time got the courage to ask….. Can you leave?

Sometimes it was hard

It was a struggle and I didn’t believe

One foot in front of the other, I chased him away

In darkness he stood beside me or blocked my way

He was there when I cried and he was there when I laughed 

People could see him but they never asked 

People would say….why

Why are you so sad

What is wrong with you these days

Either that or they pushed me away

he isolated me from them

So PTSD, he was my friend

He was my enemy

He liked to be there…..for me , day and night

He liked to be there when I woke 

He liked to be there when I went to bed 

I would lay down at night and he would be there … my head 

My children would talk to me 

It was him that looked on them

He stood in my way for many years

I started to believe he was me 

He told me I was not worth it

He told me I was not free 

He told me I was a failure, 

and I could be nothing you see

He told me I had lost me 

And that I was gone 

I believed him …… now and then I would doubt him

He took from me everything I knew 

He took from me … my strength, my courage, my identity….. My integrity 

Then came a time when I knew this was not right

I knew 

I just knew this could not be me 

I separated his identity from mine and I looked at him for what he was

He was dark….. He was an illness 

And at some times in my life he served a purpose for me 

It is hard to explain, even to this day…… he was me

Although he was separate…… he was me 

Sometimes I looked at it like two personalities 

I even remember thinking ……. Are there really……. two of me?

There is one that I put out into society 

To the outside world

To my co workers

To my doctors

To my children

Then there is ………the other me 

The one that longs to be completely alone

The one that doesn’t want anyone to know

The one that cries so much …… that the chest hurts with pain

The body that aches and the mind that turns away

The part that is no longer me 

The part that becomes this …… PTSD!

The sadness 

The hatred, resentment, the anger, the pain and the sorrow

It is there and it is real

Why can’t people see?

I’m not nuts, I’m not crazy


Its a real thing, its breaths and it see’s 

It has a heartbeat, it walks. 

Can people see? 

It lives inside me but it is not… is not ME!

They forgot who I was before this PTSD

I long to see me again, to feel me again, to hear me again

I hear me……every now and then

It’s a struggle, in fact it is more than that

It is overwhelming, it is drowning, it is PTSD!

To label it…. It is scary…….Well it is to me

But to label it, it is an answer

To a degree

I don’t understand it, I don’t think it can be ….understood completely this PTSD

It can come for different reasons, different journeys, different stories

For me …….. It was a traumatic event 

That took away from me

It took away who i was, my strength, my courage

I felt like a failure to the world and to myself 

It did not matter where I looked ….. I wasn’t there

As a mother I felt I failed my children you see

As a partner I felt I failed and he almost walked away from me 

As a daughter myself I thought I saw their pride disappear 

I was nothing, I was worthless, I wasn’t even there!

So I would wake up in the morning and I would wonder why?

Why do I wake up, I should have been in the sky

People didn’t understand and I felt so much guilt

I should be grateful I said as I was speared

I am grateful for that but I feel guilty because…

Sometimes I hate that.

Oh I’m angry, I’m tired, I’m lost and confused

I cant talk to anyone, it really is no use

Hmm time has gone by now and years since it all began

PTSD is disappearing…. Slowly

Every now and then ….. He pops his head up to say Hi

The doubt creeps back in and the darkness hangs around

The odd day you know I still get angry, frustrated and resentful 

Im angry at the world, it’s unfair

Then I think….. Snap out of it, for goodness sake you’re here!

You have adorable children that think the world of you 

They love you regardless no matter what you do!

How could I ever wish I wasn’t with them? 

But to be honest I have done and many times since then 

I feel bad for that but i feel bad sometimes I’m here

I feel like a burden and to everyone near

I am angry at the world for not understanding this is not me

I am hurt that this can even happen and people don’t seem to care 

Im angry at PTSD for even being in my life 

However I am grateful for PTSD because I have learnt ….. It’s not me!

I have learnt I am strong

No matter what I have been through

I still have those down days but the up days come through!

Slowly but surely I can look in the mirror and see

I can see ME …… looking back at me

And strangely enough I am still not happy with what I see

But she is there, she is coming through…. She is ME!

I want to help people you know

I think so much can be done

Talking about it has got to help!

I isolated myself from everybody, from the world

I just wanted to be away, I just wanted to hide

Countless times I have shut all my curtains and just cried inside

And look at my dog and think 

Your the only one

You don’t judge me, you look at me with love

Unconditional regardless of all the above

I’m tired of crying

I’m tired of struggling 

I’m tired of feeling powerless 

So here I am ……. Feeling pretty good 

I am strong, not yet whole

I am a mother and cherishes this role

I have hurt people and I wish I could take that back

But the reality is I can’t 

Although I would love to… I can’t

So PTSD, you can do your best to find me 

I’ll ask you to leave and put you behind me

I don’t want you in my life and i don’t need you

I doubt that you have much good inside you

I am happy in my life without you beside me

I can do this

I don’t doubt…me!

So I go on in this journey with my head held high

One day at a time I’ll follow my light 

It will bring me to the place that I need to be 

Which to me is myself, living life wholeheartedly

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