Me and my friend PTSD
Some say keep your friends close and your enemies closer
Well I kept PTSD close
An enemy of mine
He was really as close as he could have been
He was inside me
He was me……for a very long time
Even to this day
He raises his head from time to time
But when he lived inside he, he was evil, he was bad
He told me who I was, how I felt and if I was sad
I slowly, over time got the courage to ask….. Can you leave?
Sometimes it was hard
It was a struggle and I didn’t believe
One foot in front of the other, I chased him away
In darkness he stood beside me or blocked my way
He was there when I cried and he was there when I laughed
People could see him but they never asked
People would say….why
Why are you so sad
What is wrong with you these days
Either that or they pushed me away
he isolated me from them
So PTSD, he was my friend
He was my enemy
He liked to be there…..for me , day and night
He liked to be there when I woke
He liked to be there when I went to bed
I would lay down at night and he would be there …..in my head
My children would talk to me
It was him that looked on them
He stood in my way for many years
I started to believe he was me
He told me I was not worth it
He told me I was not free
He told me I was a failure,
and I could be nothing you see
He told me I had lost me
And that I was gone
I believed him …… now and then I would doubt him
He took from me everything I knew
He took from me … my strength, my courage, my identity….. My integrity
Then came a time when I knew this was not right
I knew
I just knew this could not be me
I separated his identity from mine and I looked at him for what he was
He was dark….. He was an illness
And at some times in my life he served a purpose for me
It is hard to explain, even to this day…… he was me
Although he was separate…… he was me
Sometimes I looked at it like two personalities
I even remember thinking ……. Are there really……. two of me?
There is one that I put out into society
To the outside world
To my co workers
To my doctors
To my children
Then there is ………the other me
The one that longs to be completely alone
The one that doesn’t want anyone to know
The one that cries so much …… that the chest hurts with pain
The body that aches and the mind that turns away
The part that is no longer me
The part that becomes this …… PTSD!
The sadness
The hatred, resentment, the anger, the pain and the sorrow
It is there and it is real
Why can’t people see?
I’m not nuts, I’m not crazy
Its PTSD
Its a real thing, its breaths and it see’s
It has a heartbeat, it walks.
Can people see?
It lives inside me but it is not…..it is not ME!
They forgot who I was before this PTSD
I long to see me again, to feel me again, to hear me again
I hear me……every now and then
It’s a struggle, in fact it is more than that
It is overwhelming, it is drowning, it is PTSD!
To label it…. It is scary…….Well it is to me
But to label it, it is an answer
To a degree
I don’t understand it, I don’t think it can be ….understood completely this PTSD
It can come for different reasons, different journeys, different stories
For me …….. It was a traumatic event
That took away from me
It took away who i was, my strength, my courage
I felt like a failure to the world and to myself
It did not matter where I looked ….. I wasn’t there
As a mother I felt I failed my children you see
As a partner I felt I failed and he almost walked away from me
As a daughter myself I thought I saw their pride disappear
I was nothing, I was worthless, I wasn’t even there!
So I would wake up in the morning and I would wonder why?
Why do I wake up, I should have been in the sky
People didn’t understand and I felt so much guilt
I should be grateful I said as I was speared
I am grateful for that but I feel guilty because…
Sometimes I hate that.
Oh I’m angry, I’m tired, I’m lost and confused
I cant talk to anyone, it really is no use
Hmm time has gone by now and years since it all began
PTSD is disappearing…. Slowly
Every now and then ….. He pops his head up to say Hi
The doubt creeps back in and the darkness hangs around
The odd day you know I still get angry, frustrated and resentful
Im angry at the world, it’s unfair
Then I think….. Snap out of it, for goodness sake you’re here!
You have adorable children that think the world of you
They love you regardless no matter what you do!
How could I ever wish I wasn’t with them?
But to be honest I have done and many times since then
I feel bad for that but i feel bad sometimes I’m here
I feel like a burden and to everyone near
I am angry at the world for not understanding this is not me
I am hurt that this can even happen and people don’t seem to care
Im angry at PTSD for even being in my life
However I am grateful for PTSD because I have learnt ….. It’s not me!
I have learnt I am strong
No matter what I have been through
I still have those down days but the up days come through!
Slowly but surely I can look in the mirror and see
I can see ME …… looking back at me
And strangely enough I am still not happy with what I see
But she is there, she is coming through…. She is ME!
I want to help people you know
I think so much can be done
Talking about it has got to help!
I isolated myself from everybody, from the world
I just wanted to be away, I just wanted to hide
Countless times I have shut all my curtains and just cried inside
And look at my dog and think
Your the only one
You don’t judge me, you look at me with love
Unconditional regardless of all the above
I’m tired of crying
I’m tired of struggling
I’m tired of feeling powerless
So here I am ……. Feeling pretty good
I am strong, not yet whole
I am a mother and cherishes this role
I have hurt people and I wish I could take that back
But the reality is I can’t
Although I would love to… I can’t
So PTSD, you can do your best to find me
I’ll ask you to leave and put you behind me
I don’t want you in my life and i don’t need you
I doubt that you have much good inside you
I am happy in my life without you beside me
I can do this
I don’t doubt…me!
So I go on in this journey with my head held high
One day at a time I’ll follow my light
It will bring me to the place that I need to be
Which to me is myself, living life wholeheartedly